Choices and Decisions - Dr. of Metaphysics Class
What if you could go back in time and “change” some of the decisions that you’ve made about money, friends, school, studies, jobs, or whatever? Would your life be any different today?
One of the greatest gifts we have is the power of choice. As we look back and see the not so good choices in our lives, with them came some valuable lessons and experiences. Know that each moment we are making choices that determine our next moments.
Are we still living life from our past stories or from the Truth of who we are? If we are not living from the Truth of who we are, then where are we making our choices from? Have you ever wondered from where you make most of your decisions?
Every decision you make stems from who or what you think you are and represents the value you place on yourself. All your choices are an evaluation of yourself. In choosing smallness you have judged yourself unworthy a poor gift to yourself. (Course of Miracles)
Go back and look at your life decisions and see which of your decisions were made from your god/goddess self or from your little self. Know this --- that all your suffering and sacrifice comes from accepting less that God’s highest gift.
If we are living from our past, we can quickly identify it by the conversations we have with ourselves and with others. What are some of your dominant conversations? Who are in your conversations? Why do you discuss it? (What’s your pay-off for talking about it?) What are you saying about yourself and what are you saying about others? Take one area of your life at a time and see what your conversations are around this area. If you are like me, then some parts of your life are going great, while others not so great and need some work.
Every time you speak you are creating your life. Notice what you say to whom and specifically what you say to yourself about yourself!! Pay attention to your constant inner dialogue. It gives you many clues about your past programming, your set of justifications you use to not do something, to not try something. It always amazes me how much we know about other countries we have never visited, foods we have never tasted, and activities we never took part in. Our mind thinks it has all the answers to everything. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop thinking and do it!!!!
Most of us live from our interpretations of past experiences which in turn creates our fears—like what if they don’t like me or what will they think of me, or what if they find out who I really am. Identify where and when you feel threatened.
Once you make a decision or establish a belief, all your subsequent decisions are made from there – whether you are aware of it or not. Until you recognize and re-evaluate your beliefs you will continue to make the decisions from the same place—usually from fears that continue to run you.
Where we may be making our choices:
Needing approval
Not being good enough
Needing to be right
Needing to be in control
Security-fear of abandonment
Needing approval
At some point when we were young we may have decided that our parents didn't think we were okay unless we met their expectations. These expectations may have been perfectly reasonable for a child, but we concluded we weren't okay just as we were -- only when we performed according to our parents expectations. (Again, this is our story not necessarily the truth about what our parents thought)
Children who were harshly criticized and could rarely do anything right in their parent’s eyes, often did whatever is necessary to seek their parent’s approval or get their attention. Many of us have carried this pattern into our adult relationships. These people tend to be the people-pleasers. Their major motivation is to be liked and approved. They will often be workaholics, and always try to impress. In relationships they can be highly critical and judgmental of their partner and themselves. They may have low self-esteem and let others take advantage of them, because they don't want to upset anyone for fear of being rejected.
Needing other people’s approval comes from needing validation from others and not accepting yourself. Most of the opinions of what people might think of me are all made up – it has to do with me what I think about me - not what they think about me. You see what other people think comes from their own belief systems and how they view and accept me has nothing to do with me.
Guess what? Everyone has their own opinions, it’s part of being an individual and we have our own opinions. Some people will agree with us, while some will disagree. Being able to accept that our opinions may not always work for others or even ourselves is how we’ll change and grow.
In letting go of needing approval, you just opened the door to acceptance of yourself and others. The worst thing we do is that we withhold our approval from ourselves. Accept that your need for approval and self worth will never be met from outside of yourself. Learn to give yourself messages of approval, safety, trust and messages of endearing self worth. Realize that the mere fact that you are here on earth is validation that you are enough, for all of us are made up of the same god-stuff as everyone else and we all have a right to be here and to be happy.
When we become need-less we are free to choose from a higher and different set of options which opens up a whole other world for us and those we love.
Not good enough
Wherever did we get the idea that we are not good enough? That we have to do everything perfect. No doubt this is another trait that somehow developed during our childhood.
How many of us feel we have to do everything perfect—have the perfectionitis syndrome. And doing it perfect—there is only one way to do it? How many of you have children? Children have a way of teaching you that perfect does not always work. They have their own ideas about what is perfect for them.
How many times do we not do an activity because we don’t think we can do it perfect? How many times do we not get in a relationship or job because we can’t do it perfect.
This is a definite show-stopper we need to get rid of. Nothing in being perfect will serve us. Once we get that we already are perfect and need not do anything perfect, so many more choices will open up to us from an unlimited set of possibilities causing our lives to be so much happier.
Needing to be right
Where does needing to be right come from? Right and wrong are assessments. It’s the way it occurs for you according to your past experiences and your beliefs. Decisions are then made from the past experiences instead of what is possible. You give meaning to everything!! In every meaning or story you make up—you end up being right. How many more relationships do you need to sabotage in order to be right? How many more arguments do we need to have with our teenagers in order to be right? How many more wars do we need to fight to prove that we are right?
Where and when do you feel that you need to defend yourself or your point of view? Just become aware of when you begin defending your point of view. As you begin to notice, you can then begin to observe that everyone has their own point of view, based on their upbringing, their nationality and culture. That does not make it wrong or right, just different. Thank God for different. I would hate for everyone around me to be just like me, no matter how wonderful I think I am, it would be boring. Notice when you are defending your point of view—this will keep you stuck and is where we start giving our power away. The Truth never needs to be defended. What really matters in the long run is whether it is worth being right or whether you choose love and intimacy and to be happy.
Things are the way they are and anything else you give the meaning to it. In every meaning you make up-you end up being right in some way. There is no right or wrong way to do something—only endless possibilities of doing something.
Needing to be in control
Why is it so hard to allow our higher self to assist us? and why is it so hard to allow others some room to make decisions about their life? We are often secretly afraid that the other person may not make quite as good a choice as we would or worse yet that they won’t choose us. This then begins one of the endless games of manipulations.
Why then the need of "being in control"? We believe that we can control our world so that "bad things" will not happen to us. It is as if we believed that our control exercised in the human environment can protect us from the uncertainties of the natural and spiritual world. I think we have just seen an example where if we thought we had everything under control, and we absolutely didn’t. Katrina. How many people in New Orleans expected their day to end with loosing everything, being placed in frightful conditions, relying on others for assistance and being totally our of control.
It is possible that all of us have a bit of control freak in our nature. It is human nature to dislike being wrong, making mistakes or feeling out of control. But while some can handle “bad” situations which occur from time to time to everyone, to others, being in control of every situation and everyone involved in that situation becomes so important that not being in control leads some to a state of depression, addictive substances or causes some to act out in other negative emotional behavior patterns.
We may not have learned that so-called mistakes are a natural and acceptable part of life, that we should honor them because they offered us a chance to learn and grow. Again, mistakes are not right or wrong; just another experience.
One of the ways to let go of being in control is to let go of how things should be and surrender to the All knowing within us. Create an inner dialogue with yourself that gives you the space to allow everything to happen in divine order, that they don’t need to go just the way you wanted them to go. When divine order takes over, all possible outcomes are considered and the best one is chosen. Also, in your inner dialogue remind yourself that you are a part of the divine order process and that you are not separate—so ultimately you are choosing it.
Security
Security is the need to feel safe, to feel assured that we know what is going to happen, to know ahead of time what the plans are. What constitutes Security can be different for different people.
The need for safety is a basic one, and according to psychologist Maslow and must be fulfilled before moving up the ladder of needs. But we live in an urban jungle, not an actual jungle, so it’s largely psychological. Safety doesn’t mean shelter from a predator; it has to do with securing stability and consistency in a chaotic world. Negative aspects of making decisions based on security: Overly cautious, fearful, paralyzed, indecisive, frozen in place, unable to function due to insecurity, retaliation against someone who they believe destroys their sense of Security.
Examples of how Security looks for different people:
Having lots of money in the bank
Having a planned savings/retirement program
Having a secure job
Having a house, home and family
Having a dependable car
Having excellent personal and family health, or health insurance that covers any possibility
Carrying a gun or having a way to protect themselves
All security involves trade-offs. Many times we make our decisions based on the need for security and feeling safe. We go into jobs and relationships with expectations of security. When that expectation is thwarted we then go into fear mode and make some more decisions based on security again and begin another downward spiral based on our insecurities. We become angry and begin resenting the people we are in relationships where we feel they have abandoned us or are not providing for us as we expected.
We resent going to jobs that are no longer serving us. So we go about changing jobs or partners, but our inner fear of insecurity still goes with us. Soon we find ourselves in a similar dilemma as before. How many of us have stayed in jobs or relationships where we felt that would provide us security? Did it last? We stay or get into jobs and relationships that really don’t serve us except and provide us with a temporary illusion of feeling secure. Of course change is a part of life so our security must come from inside us.
When we are young we need the security (which a home and family provides). However, as we become adults we need to tap into our inner security which tells us that nothing can destroy us and that there is an abundance of whatever we need in this world, that the people, places, or circumstances will appear as we need or desire them. We then begin to pay attention to synchronicities which surround us daily.
Fear of abandonment
This fear normally arises from childhood scenarios such as adoption or divorce. Many times a child makes up the story that it’s about them that they were not good enough for their parents to stay in their lives.
Some of us stay in unhealthy relationships rather than opening ourselves to being abandoned again. And then others are the first to leave a relationship, even one that could be saved, because we want to be the one who abandons, rather than be the one who is abandoned again. Others sabotage the relationship so the other person is forced to leave to make their childhood story right.
Fear of Rejection is another insecurity, many times an imaginary one. Because one person may have said no to us, we take it personally and assume everyone will say no to us. Guess what, we begin settling more and more—choosing someone who won’t reject us. Usually this means choosing someone we normally would not choose just because we feel we have more energy or power than they do.
We may not apply for jobs, for fear of being rejected. We don’t even go to first base so to speak. What about those of us who are in sales. How many times did we not make a phone call, go up and speak to a person, etc. just for the fear of rejection, which really is just no, not now, or no I am not interested in the product. Somehow we make up the story that the rejection is NO, I don’t like you and don’t want to buy from you. We may not try out for a team; we may not ask someone to dance, much less ask someone we are attracted to go out with us. How many times do we stop ourselves from doing something based on an imaginary personal rejection?
We have come to believe that our feelings are created by what others do and what happens in our lives. The reality, however, is that what others do or say or what happens are only the stimuli that trigger our programming and beliefs. Our beliefs create our emotions. We interpret events according to what we believe about ourselves and others. Those interpretations create our emotional reality. That my friend you can change. You can change your beliefs, which in turn changes your feelings and actions which will create a different or more desirable result.
Keller said, “Security is an illusion. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.” We say to choose life!!
Where should we make our choices from?
Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. Ralph Waldo Emerson
The greatest human power is the power of choice. We are not automatic stimulus-response machines! - at least, we needn't be! We have power of choice. We can pause, and instead of reacting automatically, we can calculate our best response or action. We can then learn from the results or consequences produced by our actions.
The thing about decisions, though, is that so often there is no right choice. Often we can persuade ourselves that choices are either great or terrible. And yet, making no decision and hovering in limbo is deeply unsettling and grinds our lives to a halt. No Decisions - Theodore Roosevelt once famously said: "In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."
We have to make choices even though we may feel unprepared to do so. And once you're over six, 'eenie meenie minie mo' is not a reliable strategy.
We make choices everyday to do this or that, and those decisions lead to others down the road, and so on and so on. The choices we make shape the person we will be. They form our character. There are no good or bad people. What's separates people is their pattern of choices.
Factors involved in choosing:
Responsibility: Responsibility evaluates cost, effects on others that could be detrimental, whether the decision has a long term or short term effect, evaluation of all possible choices, and the overall consequences of your decision. How will this decision affect your life, your finances, and your relationships?
Gut decisions – sometimes time will not allow us the luxury of evaluating every possible action. We may have to make a quick decision. Also, while there are some decisions that benefit mightily from thoughtful analysis, the big life choices require us to touch base with our intuition—no amount of data crunching will ever yield a satisfying answer. Freud said: When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves.
Bad Decisions – No such thing. Nothing is good or bad. Bad and good are assessments and then the question becomes – who’s assessments. Get rid of these labels – good or bad. One of the reasons many of us are so squeamish about biting the bullet and making the tough choice, is that we're panicked about making the wrong one. There's no way to guarantee a good outcome. Period. You can only do what you can do! After all is said and done, know that you have the power within you to change anything that does not serve you that you have the right to change your mind and choose another experience. Life is all about experiences—those that serve you and those that don’t.
So, the next time a big decision sits heavily on your plate, do the best you can, take comfort in knowing that there's no way to ensure the 'right' choice, that unexpected consequences will naturally occur simply because you have put the ball into play, and that, as Emerson said:
Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.
God does not want us to be content with less than everything. (Course of Miracles) The more we let go, the more choices we will be able to tap into, because our mind won’t be so occupied with trying to change other people’s minds. Being in control as much as possible is a perfectly decent goal much of the time. However, there can be unexpected joy in keeping quiet and following the suggestions of others that just possibly may be BETTER than the ones we would have made.
When we are living from our Higher self, we are living from infinite potential and we can relinquish control to it.
Live life from THIS IS IT.—where-ever you are this is it—this will bring you into the present moment—the only moment where change can occur—the moment where you have enough energy to break up what is not empowering you. From this is it – decide what is important to you, who you are and who you want to be in this situation. Will it honor you and all those concerned? Is this choice being made from love? Is this choice made from knowing that we are all one – that what we do to another we do to ourselves. We are all one and are never separate from each other or from the ONE and when we are living life from that space it is all good!!!
Be grateful for all your experiences. They have provided much value to you and made you the great person you are today. You now have a choice to see every problematic area in your life as a valuable gift that you have given to yourself and others have given you. Every person and circumstance provided you with a unique gift to experience yourself to remind you of the greatness you have within you.
Choose in spite of your fears. Choose from pure potential instead of shoulds and have to’s. Choose in spite of what your conscious mind tells you can’t do. Choose from your highest vision of yourself.
We close with this quote from Deepak Chopra, “Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I let go of grievances and choose miracles.” Choose your life of miracles now!!!
Rev. Evelyn Coulson
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The Universal Life Church is a comprehensive online seminary where we have classes in Christianity, Wicca, Paganism, two courses in Metaphysics and much more. I have been a proud member of the ULC for many years and the Seminary since its inception.
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